A year ago today...

This small boy...

after spending 50 days in this same hospital room...

His first 50 days, and the first quarter of his life..

Got dressed in these fancy duds...

Cuddled with this nervous mama.....

Was placed in this (picked just for him) car seat...

And taken home...

Where he was welcomed with open arms.....

by this VERY experienced big brother...

and this less experienced big brother...

and this novice big sister.......

Creating this happy picture of four lovely children all together in our home.

A picture that lasted for all too short a period of time.

We ALL miss you, Seth. Thank you for blessing our lives.

Thank you, Jesus, for the grace, courage, and strength we witnessed in and through the circumstances surrounding our small miracle boy. We are grateful for the time we had with him and anxious to see him again in Heaven. In Your time.

(Cross posted at Expectant Hearts).

Quiet moments

I slept badly last night. Not unusual lately with sick kids over running my days and my thoughts and my bed. I woke up around 5:30am when Ben cried out in his sleep. I reached over Kit to lay my hand on him, realizing he was feverish again, and calmed him with my touch. Just knowing I was there, even mostly asleep, was enough to soothe him back into a quiet deep sleep again. I like that feeling. That feeling that even when he isn't totally aware of the world around him and what's going on my touch alone can soothe him so easily and quickly.

I thought of Seth at that moment and how I'm sure that the touch of his parents was able to do the same for him. Even if he wasn't aware of everything around him, he still felt that peace that little ones get from the touch of a parent. He still felt their love for him through their touch. He still knew that they were there and their love was with him. He could feel it... through their touch alone. I'm sure he found comfort in that... like Ben found comfort through his pain and his fever and sickness that Mami was there and so that meant it was going to be okay.

So, I lied in bed on my side looking at Kit's little face. She's 18 mos. old now but still a little tiny peanut of a thing. Her little eyes closed, her long lashes resting quietly on her cheeks, her wispy hair in little tendrils on her forehead and I thought of how completely angelic she looked... and that made me think of Seth again. I watched her chest rise and fall slowly and thought of Seth.

I looked at my two little ones asleep, side by side finding comfort in each other as well as in me, and thought of how blessed we are to have them. Then, in all honesty, felt upset and hurt and mad that Seth is gone. It was just one of those moments that the wrongness of it all really got to me. Mothers should never have to let go of their babies. I had the old questions that bubble up on me come up again... the questions of why if God is a loving God, and I believe He is, He would let this happen. Why take such a small innocent little life? Why leave these parents with this pain and agony? Why make these young boys live with missing a brother? Why do good people have to live with this kind of pain? It doesn't make sense to me. I already know it never will. I accept that it never will make sense to me and most of the time I tell myself it's not for me to understand. Then other times it makes me angry and hurt and upset... like this morning.

So this morning I stroked Kit's cheek as she slept and told myself how lucky I am. I rested my hand on Ben's hot little head and told myself how blessed we are. Thinking of Seth and missing him the whole time and not being able to shake off the sadness and the "wrongness" of him not being here. We miss you Seth. We love you.

~ Patti D. and the whole gang of us

thinking of Kathryn... and therefore Seth

Don't want to get into it but just wanted to say that Kathryn was on my mind an awful lot today... and then of course becuase of that so was Seth. Sending up prayers for you all and keeping that special sweet baby in my heart and my thoughts.

~ Patti D.

Seth in my thoughts

I've been thinking of Seth today a lot. There's a lot going on in my head, some tough decisions to make about our Ben, and so why that triggers me to think of Seth I'm not entirely sure but it does. He was on my mind because of that already and all morning thoughts of him and the whole family were flitting through my head as I got on with the days activities and appointments. I saw the pristine snow reflecting the sun like little diamonds and thought of Seth. I saw the ice clinging to the rocks by the side of the road and thought of Seth. It was just a case of Seth on the brain.

After I got home with the kids from Ben's appt. a friend of mine, Alan, called. He told me that he was stranded down in the next town over with no ride home (and a broken ankle) and would I mind coming to get him. I told him of course not and threw the kids back in the car and was off to get him. I picked him up and drove him home, he lives just a few houses down from ours, and we stopped and talked a bit. His wife passed away last May. He's raising their three boys on his own now, doing the best he can and getting by day by day. He told me that in December when they were putting up the tree his youngest, Ryan who is 5 y/o, found the angel for the top of the tree that his wife had bought and loved so much, a beautiful angel with a porcelain face painted on by hand. He said that Ryan looked at the angel and said "Look! It's Mummy! Mummy's our angel!" (they're British). Ryan told Alan he wanted to wanted to hug and kiss "Mummy" so Alan handed over the angel to Ryan and he hugged it and gave it little kisses on the cool porcelain cheeks and kept saying "I love you Mummy" over and over. Alan was in tears at this point and I held his hand and patted his back and cried with him. It was so heartbreaking. Alan just said "I miss her so much. I just miss her and it hurts." and we talked and cried and talked some more.

That got me thinking of Seth too. How you can miss someone every second of every day and it just hurts. Not just a pain in your heart but a physical pain too. So I drove down the street thinking of Seth and how much his family misses him every single day... so much so that it hurts... and I cried some more.

I'm thinking of you all and holding you up in prayer every day.

~ Patti D.

Sunshine In Our Hearts

I was sitting here this morning on my "off" Friday, pondering the beautiful sunny day outside, and wondering how I am going to spend it. Of course, I already know that I have more chores on my list than I can possibly get done in one day. As I admired our sunny day, I recalled the news report I saw last night about the severe weather, snow, flooding in the Northwest -- and of course thought of K, and how I wished I could ship some of this beautiful weather up to her. I'm sure she could benefit greatly from a little bit of warmth and sunshine right now. Then I came here, and I saw that BEAUTIFUL little "sunshiney" face of Seth. What a GORGEOUS little boy! I thought to myself, "if THAT isn't a little piece of sunshine from God, I don't know what is!" And although we all know that it would be so much better for US if he were still here in his earthly home, I'm certain that God's little ray of sunshine is looking down on his family and wishing for them a day of happy hearts and smiles. Thank you Seth, for reminding us that God is in control, and He can give us sunshine in our hearts, even when the weather outside is cold and gloomy. -- Grandma P

Empty Arms

My arms felt so empty that October day that Seth went to "play with Jesus" as Auntie B so aptly put it. I had never had the privelege of holding Seth, or even meeting him face to face. I hadn't had the pleasure of smelling his sweet baby innocence. I hadn't held ANY baby in nearly a year. But that day that Seth left this earthly home, my arms ached with the very real loss of such a sweet little baby boy. And yet I know that my feeling of loss is so minute compared to what his parents and siblings feel. I can only begin to imagine the emptiness in their arms. But in the short time that Seth was with his family, and extended family, he touched more lives than we will ever know. I will always remember Seth as the little guy who made a big mark on his world. As the days go by, ever so unexpectedly, my mind sparks with a little "twinkle" of memory of Seth, and I lift up a prayer that God will somehow lesson the pain of the empty arms of Seth's mommy and daddy. I just wait for that next "twinkle" so I can have another word with God about this. I like that He gives me lots of opportunities for that! We love you Seth....

Grandma P

Our littlest angel

The other day I saw an angel ornament and my thoughts immediately went to Seth. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him or his family. He touched my family in a way that I didn't think possible. David still prays for him and wonders why a baby would be born with a broken heart. Today, tomorrow and forever, Seth will be our "Baby Seth".

Love, Aunt Amber